


In Which Sora Is Not Abducted By Aliens

by lforevermore



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crack, I wrote this at three in the morning and it shows, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-11-14
Updated: 2009-11-14
Packaged: 2017-11-24 08:23:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,256
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/632390
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lforevermore/pseuds/lforevermore
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU. Riku wakes up alone, and he's pretty sure it's all his fault. For <a href="http://zumerokkata.livejournal.com/profile"><img/></a><a href="http://zumerokkata.livejournal.com/"></a><b>zumerokkata</b> .</p>
            </blockquote>





	In Which Sora Is Not Abducted By Aliens

...I suck. This is so late it's sad. It's beyond sad.   
  
**Title:** In Which Sora Is Not Abducted By Aliens  
 **Author:** Lost Forevermore or Woebegone121   
**Rating:** R for language and themes, maybe?   
**Pairings:** Riku/Sora  
 **Genre:** Romance/Stupid  
 **Disclaimer:** If I owned it, Kingdom Hearts would be a musical.   
**Warnings:** Slash, language, possible themes, and dubious editing. Also maybe a little bit crack.  
 **Summary:** AU. Riku wakes up alone, and he's pretty sure it's all his fault. For [](http://zumerokkata.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://zumerokkata.livejournal.com/)**zumerokkata** .  
  


His first clue was waking up alone.

Well, not _just_ waking up alone. It was the fact that he was waking up alone at nine in the morning, and Sora’s side was cold. He blinked at the empty space for a moment, his brain not really comprehending what he was seeing, and finally came to the conclusion that his boyfriend had been abducted by aliens, and he’d probably be sent a cow with Sora’s brain to take his place. Because Sora didn’t get up before noon, later if he could get away with it. That was the glory of working the evening shifts.

Riku, on the other hand, usually woke up at around nine, exactly an hour and a half before he needed to be at work. Except today, he didn’t need to be at work, and he had quite been looking forward to making sure that Sora didn’t get up before _three_ … except Sora was already up. At nine.

He rolled over and sniffed. Well, the house wasn’t on fire.

Finally, after deciding that Sora had run away to join the circus, Riku rolled out of bed with a yawn and went in search of his missing boyfriend. He headed for the bathroom first, which yielded only the chaos of sharing space with someone else and Riku’s cell phone – why was it in there, anyway? – but no Sora. Pity, really. He liked clean, shampoo-smelling Sora. The living room was next, but there was only their old, lumpy couch that they’d inherited from Riku’s grandmother when she had decided she hated it and wanted one with _different_ floral print. No Sora. No Sora in the dining room, no Sora in their junk room, and no Sora on the balcony. All that was left was the kitchen, and Riku actually really hoped that Sora wasn’t in there, because that would mean Sora was cooking, and Riku was sure the fire department had them on some kind of arsonist watch-list now. Fortunately, there was no Sora in the kitchen. But there _was_ coffee, which meant that, at one point, Sora had _been_ in the kitchen.

Halfway through his second cup – he was not _addicted_ , thank you very much – he realized that it probably wasn’t likely that Sora had run off to join the circus or set anything on fire. He wasn’t going to rule out the alien and cow theory yet, though, simply because Sora did _not_ get up this early in the morning unless there was something important going on.

Riku focused his gaze on the calendar, thumb-tacked to the wall by the counter, putting all of his energy into moving it closer with only his mind. He narrowed his eyes at it. The corner of the page flickered. He sighed and got up to close the window, hoping they hadn’t left it open all night. Eventually, someone would probably rob them blind or something. He shuffled over to the calendar and stared at the dates for a moment, doing the highly difficult math in his head. Huh. The date sure rang a bell. Maybe there _was_ something important… Had he missed something? It was Sunday, so it wasn’t like he needed to be at work. Sora didn’t need to be at work, either, which was the whole point of Sunday… 

Birthday! It was someone’s birthday. But _whose_?

Riku pondered. He thought long and hard, wracked every corner of his brain and poked at every piece of information he had ever acquired since he was somewhere around three years old, for a grand total of forty-six seconds. And then his mouth fell open, his toes went numb, and he swore that he saw the Grim Reaper standing in front of him. 

_ He’d forgotten Sora’s birthday! _

Oh, he was doomed. This was it. Just kill him now, because he was never going to recover from this. Sora was going to leave him, was going to walk out and never come back, and Riku was going to turn on the TV one day to see that Sora had hooked up with some gorgeous celebrity, like Johnny Depp or – well, Johnny Depp was married, actually, so maybe not him, but it was going to be someone big and famous and Riku was going to die alone and without Sora. And that _sucked_. 

Wait. Maybe he could fix this. 

He grabbed the phone off the cradle and promptly dropped it, having to untangle the cord so that he could even get it closer to his ear – it was another hand-me-down from his grandmother, you see – and stared at the numbers for a moment. He looked back at the cup of coffee, sitting innocently on the counter. Without a moment to spare, Riku grabbed it and downed it in one gulp. He was going to need all the caffeine he could get for this conversation – but he _wasn’t_ addicted.

He took a deep breath, and punched in Sora’s cell. 

“What?” came the snapped reply on the third ring, and Riku had to blink for a moment and mentally recall which number he’d punched in.

“Roxas?”

A huffed sigh. “Yeah. It’s Roxas, and I’m busy.”

“I was trying to get Sora.” Yeah, he was pretty sure he’d called the right number. After all, he’d been calling the same one for three years now, and he hadn’t gotten it wrong yet. Well, except for that one time. But they had promised never to speak of it again.

“Sora’s busy, too.” There was a loud crash and a loud swear that sounded an awful lot like Sora. “…Uh. I gotta go.”

And then Roxas was gone and Riku was left holding the phone to his ear. Oh, this was bad. This was so horribly, awfully bad that Riku was sure he’d never recover. Sora was screening his calls through Roxas, and Roxas was being all Roxas-y, which meant that Riku was in deep, deep shit and probably should just go ahead and dig his own grave, because if Sora wasn’t going to be kidnapped by aliens, then he – or Roxas – was going to murder Riku.

He needed to fix this. He needed something spectacular and something amazing that would result in Sora forgetting his wrath and calling off his brother. Preferably, Sora would leap right into Riku’s arms as well, and all would be well in their world of love. He needed a present.

Riku sprinted to the bedroom to grab a shirt and pulled it on. He then sprinted to the counter to grab his wallet, sprinted to the coffee table to grab his keys, and sprinted out the door to buy Sora a present. Exactly seven seconds later, he sprinted right back in and sprinted to his room to put on some pants, figuring that traumatizing the cashier wasn’t going to get him fast service. After all, it looked like his free cup of sugar had just flown the coop, because his neighbor certainly didn’t look like she’d _ever_ recover.

He’d barely gotten down the first flight of stairs before he was ambushed – that’s right, _ambushed_ – by Axel and Demyx. It was then that he knew it was over, that all of his not-so-well-laid plans were going straight to the junkyard, especially when he noticed the water guns. Demyx was grinning at him like he just couldn’t _wait_ to kill Riku, and Axel was looking resigned but determined. The water guns were probably loaded with acid or poison or something.

“Look,” Riku began, backing up a pace as they raised the water guns. “I… have no good argument, but please don’t kill me.” 

Axel shrugged, but kept the water blaster level. “Guess you’d better come quietly, then.”

Riku nodded and kept his hands up as they marched him forward, down the next two flights of stairs – and why couldn’t the super put in an elevator or something, really? – through the lobby and out into the parking lot. He kept hoping those aliens would go ahead and come by, and maybe suck Demyx and Axel up or replace them with cows or something so Riku could make a getaway, buy Sora a present, and make everything right again. Unfortunately, the aliens were currently busy making crop circles in Oklahoma – and snickering very maturely while the town called the poor farmer insane – and so Demyx and Axel stayed put, water guns aimed right at Riku’s kind-of-important parts.

“Alright, get in,” Axel ordered, holding open the door to the backseat of the crappy junker he drove – he called her Betty. “Demyx, you get in the back too and make sure he doesn’t jump out or anything.”

“Roger!” Demyx chirped cheerfully, hopping in the backseat after Riku. He yanked Riku over into a headlock and pressed the water gun to the top of Riku’s head. “The prisoner has been detained!”

“Christ,” Axel muttered. “You’re way too into this. It’s too early for this. Don’t do anything, Riku, I can’t shoot you and drive at the same time. And _don’t_ shoot him, Demyx, that’s _my_ upholstery.”

“It’s really crappy upholstery,” Demyx told him.

“But it’s _my_ crappy upholstery.”

Riku kept his mouth shut and hoped the drive to his doom was a short one, because he was getting a crick in his neck from the odd angle. Unfortunately, it turned out to be upwards of a whole ten or fifteen minutes long, which is okay for normal, sane people, but not for Demyx. By the time Axel had parked the car, Demyx was cackling, Axel was yelling, and Riku was dripping wet. It turned out that water guns had been loaded with simply water – no acid or poison that he could detect. Which really just meant that now he was soaked, and was going to die a wet death, because Sora was going to kill him.

They marched him inside with the water guns still aimed at him, though Riku did point out that they were practically useless now, with him already soaked and all.

“I can still brain you with it,” Axel had replied with the kind of smirk that meant that he really _would_ hit Riku with a water gun, Sora’s plans for revenge be damned, so Riku shut up. It was bad enough that he was going to die soaked, he didn’t want to die with a migraine too.

It seemed as though they had taken him to a hotel, he realized when Axel had stopped brandishing the water gun like a baseball bat. How very odd. Were they planning on killing him in the hotel bathtub, like that one _Law and Order_? Or was it _Cold Case_? Maybe _CSI_ , actually, he couldn’t really remember.

They got a few funny looks when they walked across the lobby, but the chick at the counter just gave them a cursory glance like she expected them to be there, marching Riku to his imminent death at water-gunpoint, and it occurred to him that it was a little bit odd that she was in on the murder too, but by then they’d reached the double-doors to the giant hall, and crap, maybe they’d decided to kill him publicly or something. Or maybe it’d be like the gladiators.

Axel opened the door and pushed Riku forward, where he was greeted by a loud roar that could have been a vicious, hungry lion or a rabid bear or –

Or a whole lot of people shouting, “Surprise!” at the same time.

He blinked as people approached him, clapping him on the back and saying things like, “Happy birthday!” and “Age is just a number, Riku,” and “Sorry, I took a bite of your cake, but I was really hungry.” He blinked some more as Sora approached him, looking very happy and wearing a party hat, and hugged Riku. Almost immediately, Sora grimaced and pulled away.

“Oh, ew,” the brunet said. “You didn’t come quietly, did you?”

“It’s all Demyx’s fault,” Axel insisted.

And then it hit Riku, like a ton of birthday cake to the face. It hit him as he was standing there, with his family and his friends milling around the giant hall, surrounded by bright colors and streamers, and staring at a giant banner that said, “Happy birthday, Riku!” in bright, gaudy letters.

“It’s my birthday,” he said, mostly to himself, and it was unfortunate that it was out loud, because everyone within hearing range was now looking at him funny.

“Yep,” Sora said. “It _is_ your birthday.”

Roxas, who had apparently strode up to stand beside Axel while Riku’s world was righting itself again, grinned. “You didn’t forget your own birthday, did you?”

It was his _birthday!_

“Of course not,” Riku scoffed, looping an arm around Sora’s shoulders despite the brunet’s protests that he was _wet_ , ew! “Let’s party.”

He leaned down and met Sora halfway for a kiss, and it was quite possibly the best birthday present he could ever have. Except, of course, for the fact that Sora wasn’t dating Johnny Depp and wouldn’t be replaced by a cow anytime soon. 

…Nah. It was still the best.


End file.
